Adamerlock

(via coopranderson)

All you can remember is the ship that came out of nowhere, sailing up at high speed, with a gigantic black flag with a crimson A atop its mast. Your modest little merchant ship couldn’t get away, and soon the small band was swinging aboard. 

“There’s no escapin when I start,” the leader of them said, a black clad though gorgeous figure said to his new captives. His facial hair surrounded a brilliant smile.

“Put all of them on a rowboat,” he said gesturing to the surrendered crew “And get all this beautiful treasure back to the ship,” he said grabbing hold of a golden picture frame. His gaze meets yours. He walks up smiles even more broadly, laughs, and then gestures. “Tommy..Monte…” he said. The two jump to action. Your gaze is now divided between each, lingering slightly on Tommy as the two grab you, tie your hands and  hustle you back aboard.  

“Looks like Captain Lambert has taken a liking to you,” Tommy says in a gratuitous ridiculous accent.  They drag you below decks and down to a gigantic ornate room. It is filled with some of the most beautiful things you have ever see.  A gigantic bed covered in glitter sits in front of you. Above the bed sits a gigantic plank connected to a ladder. You glance at it warily. 

“Get up there please,” Monte said. “You’re going to walk the plank.”

The two push you up the ladder and you’re soon standing above the bed at the edge of the wood. 

Captain Lambert struts into the room.

“Thank you boys,” he said. Tommy gives him a lingering look before departing behind Monte.

Lambert leaps and lands on the soft bed, glitter flies everywhere. He lies down and stares upward.

“Hey,” he said. “Time to walk the plank. But only if you want to. Your decision.”

You don’t need further coaxing and you jump landing down on the soft bed blissfully. 

“Welcome aboard,” he says. 

Authors Hermine & Sallycandance wrote two lists in their fic http://sallycandance.livejournal.com/106630.html

And what I have done here is take their list, and write drabbles to explain why each thing might be on the list…so essentially used the list as a prompt for drabbles. The original list is all here. Now I’ll break it up into two parts and here’s the second list. Shorter drabbles. I tried to add a “read more” cut but it doesn’t seem to be working.

30 things I am no longer allowed to do at home

1. I’m not allowed to invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in for a religious discussion, even if there are only reruns on the telly.

Lestrade had been called to 221B Baker Street before but never to deal with jumpers. The two Jehovah’s Witnesses were perched on the roof as police officials scurried to contain the area. This was not Lestrade’s normal role, but he figured with Sherlock involved he had no choice. The incident commander was bellowing into a bullhorn trying to keep them calm. Sherlock emerged from the front door and took in the scene with surprise.

“And this is happening..why?” he asked.

The cops all pointed up.

Sherlock looked up.

“Oh them…guess they didn’t take the news well.”

“What did you tell them?” Lestrade asked as the realization hit him.

2. I’m not allowed to use John’s laptop just because I’m too lazy to fetch my own.

   John Watson was getting used to Sherlock’s quirks. They didn’t bother him. However he could not understand why all this porn was on his computer.

   “Sherlock…did you use this laptop again, despite the fact that yours is right there?”

   “I did, and we’ve been over this.”

“That’s not good enough! But to the point, why did you download porn onto this computer?” Watson asked.

“It’s not porn, it’s art.”
“Art?”
“Art. Bunch of people having sex is hardly just something as simple as smut, there is a…method to it,” Sherlock said.

“And the point of this art to you is…” Watson asked.

“John despite what they write on the internet, I don’t have sex,” Sherlock said.

“O…k…”
“As such it’s good from time to time to remind oneself of what sex is, for investigative purposes.”

“You’re watching porn…for research?” Watson asked. He might be talking to the only person who actually means it when they said it.

“Yes John.”
“But why my computer?”
“Because if people hack my computer I want it to be clean as a whistle, no need for any softball scandals.”
“But you’re ok with them hacking my computer and scandalizing me?”

“John…you having porn is not a scandal….besides…I put mine in a seperate folder from the stuff you already had…”

“YOU LOOKED!” John shouted.

4. I’m not allowed to keep body parts in the fridge after they’ve started to mould.

Addendum I’m not allowed to keep human eyes in the jam.

Watson headed for the fridge and opened it.

“DAMNIT! AN ENTIRE TORSO! COME ON!” He shouted and closed the door.

5. I’m not allowed to watch John sleep because I’m bored.

Addendum I’m not allowed to keep John awake because I can’t sleep.

Watson awoke with a start to find Sherlock sitting next to him just watching.

“Yes?” John asked.

“John…sometimes I think of you, and think of all the bodies.”
“Sherlock…”
“Silly really, it would make more sense if you were dead…”
“Trying to sleep!”
“Don’t let me stop you.”
Watson glared at him.

6. I’m not allowed to shoot with John’s gun unless there’s an emergency.

Addendum “Boredom” is not an emergency.

Watson arrived home, groceries in hand and instantly noticed the 15 new bullet holes in the wall.

“Sherlock…you know that…” he began but soon realized the room is empty.

A police car raced by outside.

“Oh hell,” Watson said putting the groceries down and hurrying out.

7. I’m not allowed to test homemade meth on Mrs. Watson.

Addendum The same goes for the neighbours’ dogs, cats, birds and children.

The taxi arrived at 221B Baker Street and Sherlock emerged. The various people walking the streets all turned to him and started cackling. A few started to dance, one turned and fled. He took note of each of them and what their reactions were. Then he headed upstairs.

Lestrade was standing there staring at him.

“A case?”

“A case for certain…” Lestrade snarled.

8. I’m not authorized to make new house rules.

   [Self Explanatory]

   
   9. I’m not allowed to send more than 53 texts per minute to John’s mobile.

Addendum Especially not when he’s at work.

Sherlock typed quickly into the mobile device and then frowned.

“What is a fail whale…”

10. I’m not allowed to leave the flat undressed.

    “Sherlock?” Mrs. Hudson asked.

    “Yes?” Sherlock asked.

    “You’re naked.”
    “Factually accurate.”
    “Are you planning to go out like that?”

    “One doesn’t plan nudity,” Sherlock said and headed for the door.

    
    
    11. I’m not authorized to prescribe any medication.

    “I just want to say…I didn’t know…” Watson said.

Lestrade’s gaze met his and it turned to Sherlock.

“Side effects are just going to happen…don’t blame me for science!” Sherlock said.

Lestrade frowned.

12. I’m not allowed to break into the flat because I’m too lazy to find my keys.

Addendum I’m not allowed to break into the flat because it is more fun that way.

“What happened?” Watson asked in shock.

“I didn’t take me keys on the way out, I forget which room I left them in…the axe was nearby..and upon my return…”

“Oh never mind!”

13. I’m not allowed to drive (as I have no driver’s licence).

    “Between the two of us, that’s now 2 taxi drivers we’ve killed this year!” Watson yelled.

    “I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I can drive, he was the fool here!” Sherlock replied.
    
    14. I’m not allowed to ask “Are we there, yet?” when I’m not driving.

    [I got nothing]

    
    
    15. I’m not allowed to call James Bond movies “mindless drivel”, even if they are.
    
    
    

    “It’s fortunate the every woman with valuable information is willing to tell him in exchange for sex,” Sherlock said. “Could you imagine if I had to have that much sex to solve cases.”

“No,” John lied.

16. I’m not allowed to tell John who did it before he has finished reading the book!

“That is an interesting book cover…” Sherlock said.

“Go away…” John said.

“You afraid I’ll spoil it?”

“Yes.”
“I don’t know why you read the books where the detective does it.”
“Damnit!”

“I mean it’s like every mystery ever written…”
“Enough!”

“This is fact John!”

“Damnit!”



17. I’m not allowed to ask Mycroft to train me in psychological warfare in the living room.

Mycroft and Sherlock each sat across from each other. Watson waited. Four hours later after not exchanging one word, Mycroft left. Sherlock stood up, walked over to Watson’s laptop and started downloading porn.

“Ok…” Watson began.



18. “High Functioning Sociopath” is not a superpower.

Addendum It is also no excuse.

Sherlock stood in the middle of the train terminal seemingly displeased. Watson stood beside him waiting for the great detective to make progress.

“Enough…” Sherlock said and walked to the nearest fire alarm. He pulled it and the crowds went streaming out as emergency personell flooded the place. Sherlock returned to his original position.

“And now…it all becomes clear…”

Watson sighed.

19. I’m not allowed to be awake for more than 52 hrs straight.

Addendum I’m not allowed to take more than 5 sleeping pills at a time.

Watson emerged from the bathroom at 3am to find Sherlock fiddling with his laptop.

“Sherlock use your own laptop…and why are you awake?” John asked.

“Sleep is just a way to….John…you have beautiful eyes…”

“Ok Sherlock you’ve been up way to long.”
“Yes…yes…you’re right…”

When Watson awoke 8 hours later, Sherlock was still up and staring at the laptop.

“Thought you were going to…” he began.

“I’m a panther…” Sherlock replied.

Watson went back to bed.

20. I’m not allowed to wear more than 3 nicotine patches at a time.

Addendum The ones on my back count!

“Oh yes,” Sherlock said.

“How many patches are you wearing?” John asked.

“Don’t judge.”

“I’m not I’m just worried.”

“Worry about this bird,” Sherlock said releasing it from it’s cage and grabbing John’s gun.

“DAMNIT SHERLOCK!”

21. I’m not allowed to create weapons of mass destruction in the kitchen just because I can. Especially because I can.

“John…the stuff next to the eggs…don’t drink it…the stuff next to the bacon…well come to think of it…avoid the bacon too..” Sherlock said.

22. I’m not allowed to start a fire in the kitchen, even if it’s intentionally.

Addendum I Illegal drugs or chemicals are not to be used as a recipe base.

Addednum II Even when Mycroft is coming for dinner.

“Sherlock you set the kitchen on fire again!” Watson shouted knocking the flames down with a towel.

“Yes yes I did,” Sherlock said, grabbed his scarf and headed down the stairs.

23. Mycroft is neither my nemesis nor Britain’s Evil Overlord.

[I got nothing]

24. Locking John in the loo to time how long it takes to unhinge a door upsets him.




“Sherlock…did you lock the door…” John Watson said standing up from the toilet.

“It’s important,” Sherlock said.

“It completely isn’t,” Watson said.

“Just unhinge the door.”
“I have the gun in here..”
“Why do you have the gun in there?”

“Because you’ve done this before…”
“Are you planning to shoot me?”

“Yes.”

Sherlock stepped away from the door.

25. I’m not allowed to join John in the shower on the pretence of shortened hot water supplies.

Addendum Stunned silence on John’s part is not an agreement.

John scrubbed his glistening body carefully, but was more than disturbed when a naked Sherlock pulled back the shower curtain.

“Times are tough, Irish economy’s in collapse, we should shower together,” Sherlock said.

John grabbed the gun from the nook in the shower and pointed it at Sherlock.

“Oh I see,” Sherlock said and backed away.

“How many times do I have to use the gun to win an argument Sherlock!”

“Against me, it’s all you have,” Sherlock replied.

26. I’m not allowed to call the MI5 agents Mycroft sends over to spy on us “Mycroft’s minions” and tell them to “go back to spy-school”.

Sherlock Holmes walked across the street with a bottle of milk in hand to the black sedan parked there. The two MI5 agents popped out angrilly.

“What did you think this is the way to spy on me…that I wouldn’t notice…”
“You’re supposed to notice us…” one of the spies replied.

“Yes so obviously you can distract from that guy!” he yelled spinning and throwing the open milk on the workman cleaning a porch.

“Disguise nearly worked until you realize…the owner of the home can’t afford maintenance having just lost their job…do your homework! And tell Mycroft to send better agents next time..I’m insulted! You can keep the milk!”

27. I’m not allowed to defuse a bomb because I can’t be bothered to wait for the bomb squad.

“What is it with you and bombs?” Watson asked as he and Sherlock stared at the warehouse continuing to burn.

28. I’m not allowed to stay overnight in the morgue.

Addendum I’m not allowed to stay overnight anywhere without telling John.

“You went to the morgue again?” Watson asked.

“The janitor’s fine with it, I sleep well there, not like here,” Sherlock said.

“Why don’t you move there?”

“John….don’t be silly,” Sherlock replied.

29. I’m not allowed to get kidnapped or shot at.

The taxi driver glanced back at the drugged up Holmes in the back of his taxi.

“This is stupid,” Holmes muttered in a delusion. “They better fix this in the final version.”

“Final version of what?” the taxi driver replied.

“Seahorses….everywhere…” Holmes said slumping.

30. I’m not allowed to die!
Moriarty glanced at Sherlock raising his gun towards the explosive jacket.

I suppose now wouldn’t be the time to tell him the explosives were fake. The villain thought.

I suppose now wouldn’t be the time to tell him there’s no bullets in the gun. Sherlock thought.

I really need to stop getting into strange vans. Watson thought.






(31. Scratch #25. Apparently, stunned silence is an agreement.)




“Sherlock, I only pointed the gun at you because I wanted you to come closer,” Watson said.

“That’s what I thought…I knew my deductions were accurate!” Sherlock replied.

Authors Hermine & Sallycandance wrote two lists in their fic http://sallycandance.livejournal.com/106630.html

And what I have done here is take their list, and write drabbles to explain why each thing might be on the list…so essentially used the list as a prompt for drabbles. The original list is all here. Now I’ll break it up into two parts, here are the drabbles for the first list.They did an awesome job on their lists.All 25 list headings were created by Hermine & Sallycandance. I’m just inspired by them.

I tried to add a “read more” cut but it doesn’t seem to be working.

25 things I am no longer allowed to do at Scotland Yard

1. I’m not allowed to shoot at Anderson because he annoys me.

Sherlock surveyed the firing range for a long time then Lestrade, Watson or Anderson expected.

“Something is missing here…Anderson stand down there…” the detective said pointing to the end of the range.

“Down there? Where the target is?” Anderson replied incredulously.

“Would you like this case solved or not?” Sherlock replied with a sneer.

Lestrade sighed and pointed Anderson to the end of the range. Anderson glanced at him, then at Sherlock, then back to Lestrade before making his way to the end. Sherlock grabbed the gun from the table and let 3 shots fly. Anderson winced as they slammed into the wall above his right shoulder.

“What the hell did that accomplish!” the forensics tech screamed.

“Can’t tell you yet,” Sherlock said and headed out the door. Watson sent an apologetic glance towards Lestrade and followed.

“So…what…” John began.

“He just is such a lichen on the rock of existence John…obnoxious…he needed to be shot at…it’ll pay off long term,” Sherlock replied and the two headed to find a taxi.

2. I’m not allowed to be funny (as Lestrade thinks I’m not).

   Addendum I’m not allowed to be funny on the internet.

Sherlock arrived at Lestrade’s office to find the Detective Inspector glaring at his computer screen.

“You…” he said.

“I assume this is about my website,” Sherlock said.

“I go there to check up on something else and I find…a dancing lung…not only that, but a dancing lung I clearly remember belonged to one of our latest victims! You took a picture of the lung and make it dance!”

“Nonsense, it was a plug-in, some Oxford students developed a program that can make any photo dance, in essence it’s their doing, I just uploaded the photo…”

“That doesn’t mean that…”

“There are few things as funny as a dancing human lung Lestrade, now if you want me to bring your killer to justice I’d suggest letting me walk back out that door rather than bemoan my sense of comedy.”

Lestrade just glared.

3. Mocking Anderson is not a hobby.

Anderson found his customary parking spot filled with banana’s when he attempted to pull into headquarters that morning. He drove around finding a less desirable spot and then stormed over to the parking space. There were no less than 150 banana’s piled high. Angrilly he started picking them up and moving to the nearby trash recepticle while fellow officers passed by snickering. When he had gotten down to a handful left he saw a note taped to the pavement. He picked it up and read.

“Next time, don’t mistake monkey flesh for human flesh, imbecile, sincerely, Sherlock Holmes.”

Anderson let out a shout and kicked the trash can.

4. I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences by texting Lestrade “You’re wrong”.

Addendum I I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences by texting Lestrade “(Donovan/Anderson/ any member of Scotland Yard) is wrong”.

Addendum II I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences, period.

Addendum III I’m not allowed to use John Watson to interrupt press conferences because I’m not allowed to.

Lestrade sat down in front of the microphone hoping beyond hope that this would not go like the last 4 press conferences.

“Why haven’t we been able to bring our phones into this conference?” one of the reporter’s asked.

“It’s a security risk, in order to explain it I’d need to reveal something top secret,” Lestrade lied.

“Is it because you expect Sherlock Holmes to text us again?” another reporter asked.

“I don’t make police decisions based on the habits of one of our consultants,” Lestrade snapped.

A lone beeping was heard. All eyes turned to a reporter in the back of the room who still held a cell phone.

“What the hell is he still doing with that!” Lestrade snarled at Donovan. Sally hopped up and headed for the reporter.

“Sorry…I’m new…I didn’t…” the reporter said.

“Let’s see it then!” one of the veteran reporter’s said and snatched the phone out of the rookie’s hands. It was soon passed throughout the room as Lestrade fumed, afraid to shout to give the London press corps something ELSE to write about. And sure enough, each and every reporter read the words.

“WRONG” scrolled in courier font on the phone.

Over at 221B Baker Street, the 15 police constables commanded temporarily by Anderson looked in astonishment at their TV screens and at Sherlock and Watson sitting placidly in their chairs.

“How in the name of all that is holy…” Anderson began.

“Oh don’t be melodramatic…” Sherlock muttered. “You know you can time these texts to be sent at any point…sending a brute squad over to make sure I can’t text at the precise moment of a press conference is typical police incompetence.”

Anderson angrilly gathered the cops and stormed out, their mission a failure.

5. I’m not allowed to call any member of Scotland Yard any of the following: idiot, half-wit, incompetent fool, fool, imbecile, cretin, “Anderson” (it’s a name not an insult), a walking intellectual black hole.

Addendum I’m not authorized to forbid people to breed.

[See above.]

6. I’m not allowed to enter a crime scene in my pyjamas.

The taxi screeched up to the array of police vehicles. Sergeant Donovan sighed and approached it well aware of who was inside. Sherlock Holmes bounded out of the car into the summer heat clad in nothing but pajama bottoms and slippers. Watson stepped out of the other side, actually clothed.

“What do you think you are doing!?” Donovan shouted. “There’s a dead body over here and you’re….”

“Yes yes…details I will account for later…or not…” Sherlock muttered and stepped towards the corpse. John approached Sally and his eyes told her…”Best not to ask…”

She sighed and headed back towards the grisly scene finding that Sherlock had just removed his slippers and flung them at a nearby wall.

“Hey!”

“The ground is cold…” Sherlock said. “This…is unexpected.

Donovan and Watson just glanced at him.

7. I’m not allowed to giggle at a crime scene.

Sherlock and John emerged from the taxi to find the scene out of control. Police cars were spread about as the blaze continued to burn in the flat, and burning wood exploded out from the building. Some eventually came to rest on one of the many fire engines and before it could be extinguished the entire vehicle caught fire. Though soon put out, John glanced over to find Sherlock giggling even as many of the assembled police shot him icy stares.

“Oh come on…the fire truck caught fire…if you can’t laugh at that…oh never mind…” Sherlock said.

“Perhaps you’d like to spend less time enjoy yourself and more finding out who the arsonist is,” Lestrade said.

“Well it’s that guy,” Sherlock said pointing at one of the firemen.

“HIM?” Lestrade said.

“Obviously…he’s an imposter..which is why he parked the engine too close to the building and why it just caught fire much to my delight…..oh why am I explaining this all…” Sherlock muttered as the cops hurried up to restrain the suspect. It was at this moment that another fire engine came racing up the driver momentarily lost his focus due to the scene unfolding and it skidded into the side of Lestrade’s unmarked car.

“What kind of circus is this!” Lestrade screamed.

Sherlock started giggling again.

“DAMNIT! CUT IT OUT!” the suffering Detective Inspector replied.

8. I’m not allowed to do the serial-killer-dance in the presence of the victim’s family.

Addendum I’m not allowed to talk to a victim’s grieving family ever again, unless it’s essential to a case and either Lestrade or John are present.

“I can’t believe you!” Watson yelled as the two emerged from the small residence they had just visited.
“John, I really don’t think that…”

“You don’t think that getting into an indepth discussion of how stupid the victim was, wasn’t somehow insensitive in front of the grieving widow.”

“She can do better…maybe you if you weren’t..you know…”

“WHAT?”

“John look, he’s dead…the widow is a widow, and no matter how much she might wish it so, he’s dead, and he’s stupid…and he’s dead because he was stupid.”

“You didn’t need to tell her that!”

“I needed to gauge her reaction…after all, maybe she was responsible for his death because he was insanely stupid, it would sure lead me to consider murdering my spouse should I have one…and they were moronic.”

Watson began to speak and then just stopped.

“You know I’m right,” Sherlock said.
“I’m not trying to agree!” Watson snapped.

9. I’m not allowed to threaten Lestrade with God (i.e. Mycroft).

Lestrade was staring at the assortment of letters and numbers on the white board when he discerned Sherlock was standing next to him.

“Don’t say it…” the Detective Inspector growled.

Sherlock glanced at him and walked back out.

10. I’m not allowed to answer any questions in Chinese just because I’m cross.

John Watson…was drunk, and he was drunk because for the past 36 hours, Sherlock Holmes refused to speak in any language other than Chinese, with the brief exception of a 15 minute rant in Japanese, and it was fortunate they were not trying to solve a case, because it was getting out of hand. No amount of coaxing, yelling, or other persuasion had worked. So off Watson went to the bar, to drown his confusion and annoyance. Three hours later he staggered out of the pub only to find himself behind hustled into the back of a car.

“WHAT?” he half heartedly yelled.

He found himself sitting next to Mycroft.

“John…”

“Mycrap?”

“John…why is Sherlock speaking the way he is speaking?”

John vomited.

11. Restricted Area means restricted area.
12. I’m not allowed to steal Lestrade’s police badge to gain access to a restricted area.

The 2 Mi5 agents glared across the table at Sherlock as he sat in their interogation room.

“What fascinates me is with such a larger budget, this room is far outclassed by the one down at Scotland Yard.”

“Mister Holmes,” the one on the right began. “You entered a restricted area utilizing a police badge stolen from Detective Inspector Lestrade in order to access information that is above even his clearance levels. Now what pretel do you think you were doing.”

Holmes glanced at both of them.

“Trying to solve a murder that no other law enforcement official in the damn country has been able to solve. By the way, I don’t care if there is a BBC series about you, you don’t impress me at all…”

“You think you are above the law?” the other agent said.

“The law is merely a means to an end, when that means fails, other means are needed,” Sherlock said. “I can say such things because I know that when you look at the information I acquired and realize that I limited my searching to nonclassified areas, you’ll have little reason to interfere further in me bailing you, Scotland Yard, and her royal majesty out of this little mess you’re all in. Or do you plan to keep stalling the German Ambassador?”

The two agents glanced at each other.

“Don’t do it again!” the one on the right finally snapped.

13. I’m not allowed to impound drugs then take them home for experiments.

Lestrade walked into the pharmacy as quickly as possible and exchanged words with the two constables. They pointed over to Sherlock who was leaning against a wall with a package at his feet.

“So…I get a call that you were attempting to…what…”

“It was necessary for the investigation, you think I can afford thousands of dollars in drugs for testing…I’m sure you’ll be glad to pay when…”
“We’ll be glad to pay when you ask first! And then only if it’s justified!” Lestrade said. “What is all this?”

“The killer is using a cocktail to try to kill his victims without them realizing it, thus I am sampling a variety of possible mixtures…” Sherlock said.

“Won’t that possibly kill you?” Lestrade said.

“Yes Lestrade, that is my goal, to die…returning to questions that actually matter…the experiments on ANIMALS…” he added to the entire assembled group. “Will help me determine how he is managing to poison these people without them noticing it.”

Lestrade looked at the contents of the box.

“What possible use could you have for viagra…”

“Process of elimination Lestrade.”

“I’m going to give Watson a ring and make sure we know when you’re doing that one so we know to steeer clear.”
“You can steer clear altogether if you don’t mind…” Sherlock said.
“Don’t impound any more drugs!” Lestrade said. “Let him loose, with his damn viagra.”

14. I’m not allowed to impersonate any of the following: judges, police officers, crown prosecutors, John Watson, Lestrade, God.

“Who might you be?” the grocer remarked as Holmes and Watson approached him and his pile of cabbages.

“Sherlock Holmes, Detective Inspector, Scotland Yard,” Holmes said flashing Lestrade’s badge.

Watson looked over at him in surprise.

“He just doesn’t take good care of it,” Sherlock muttered.

“What was that?” the grocer asked.
“Nothing, just a robbery case I was also investigating. They say you were the last person to see the Archbishop alive?” Sherlock said.

“Yes, nasty business with him,” The grocer said. “You guys going to catch who did it?”

“Perhaps, but I am especially interested in how he looked, did he seem flushed at all…” Sherlock said.

It was at this point that both Sherlock and John were caught off guard by the grocer hurriedly glancing at them and then racing for the door. They took off in pursuit.

“Told you people were afraid of the police!” Watson yelled.

15. I’m not allowed to talk faster than 100 words/minute when talking to Lestrade.

Lestrade, Sherlock, Watson and seemingly half the police force were standing in the muddy graveyard outside the cathedral.

“Before we exhume this body, explain to me again just why we are doing this?” Lestrade said.

“Try to keep up Lestrade, we don’t actually know who is buried there and this is important because we are unsure which of the two brothers is actually dead, this matters of course because if the one brother is dead that should be alive, then this allows the other one to act in his stead, thus allowing him to avoid detection since no one has his prints, no one can match them up, because everyone thinks he’s the one down in the coffin, now furthermore, since all the legal documents are in the name of the dead brother it is possible, that the alive one reasoned that should he seek a legal challenge to the terms of the will he would not have a legal leg to stand on hence why he had to take more drastic action such as committing the murders we now have witnessed. However this is only plausible if the dead brother is actually alive and vice versa. Additionally however, the mother’s story is called into question in describing the circumstances of death, which could provide even more proof, she claimed that he died of accidental suffocation but that could easily be simulated by poison or non-accidental suffocation, you put that altogether and add in the fact I’m not entirely sure anyone is actually buried there and that is how you prove motive!”

Everyone looked at each other.

“PAUSE BETWEEN THOUGHTS!” Lestrade shouted.

16. I’m not allowed to kidnap anyone for any reason.

Watson returned from his trip weighted down by suitcases, he nudged open the door to the apartment and set down his bags hurriedly. Wincing slightly at the strain. It was at this point that he noticed that there were three women in the apartment as well, all tied to various chairs. They seemed to be out of it.

“Um…Sherlock?” Watson asked.

“John,” Sherlock said emerging from the other room. “You’re back early.

“No actually right on time. Right when I said I would be…”

Sherlock glanced at the calendar….
“The 17^th…it is the 17^th…wow.”

“So…the women…tied up and drugged in the living room?”

“Ah yes…them…”
A minute passed in silence.

“Try not to disturb them will you,” Sherlock said.
“Sherlock!!! Why are they here?”

Sherlock sighed.

“In the time you’ve been gone, a pretty nasty murderer has been preying on local prositutes. These ladies remained unfazed, and as such were especially vulnerable. Most have listened to police warnings which is a miracle in itself. I decided to remove these foolish women, though I don’t know why…additionally I have been spreading the word that they are living here, hoping that maybe the murderer, clearly a psychopath, will be unable to resist the trap…”

“So…let’s review…” Watson began. “You’ve kidnapped three women for their protection…and simultaneously spread the word that prostitutes now reside at 221B in the hopes of luring a vicious murderer here?”
“John…why did we just review what I just told you?”
John was speechless and stormed out of the room.

17. I’m not authorized to fire Anderson.

When Anderson arrived at Lestrade’s office he found Sherlock sitting in the Detective Inspector’s seat.

“What do you think that you’re doing?” Anderson snarled.
“Lestrade obviously isn’t here, so in my spare time I am borrowing his seat. Additionally you are terrible, leave.”
“You can’t order me around!” Anderson snapped.

“That is true, but what I can do is use Lestrade’s computer here to start the process of terminating your employment which I have done. I have provided only factual information which should suffice in ending your long but unacomplished career,” Sherlock said.

“You! You….” Anderson hurried out in search of who he should talk to in these matters.

“Who else don’t I like on this list,” Sherlock muttered looking back at the computer.

18. Being the most intelligent person in a room is no excuse for rudeness or mockery.

“None of you can see what I can see here!” Sherlock shouted at the assembled group of lawmen. The corpse was on it’s side, the harpoon still embedded in it.

“I don’t understand how our entire civilization doesn’t collapse in on itself, if all of you standing here, next to this…can’t see it! The angle of the harpoon is everything! It solves the entire case! THIS RIGHT HERE! This!”

The crowd of officers still had little to say.

“None of you should have sex ever! The risk of having children is too great!”

“Damnit Sherlock! Cut it out and tell us what you see!” Lestrade said.

“Not until you promise to get sterilized…all of you.”

“Sherlock maybe you should…” Watson began quietly.

“Well we’ve got to start somewhere don’t we, this bunch is the first!”

“Sherlock..maybe…”
“Very few of you don’t sicken me,” Sherlock replied. “As for the harpoon…who can tell me what a triangle is…”

19. I’m not allowed to steal a police car (as I have no driver’s licence).

Watson was unsure of what to think of the sight of a police car racing up the street and skidding to a stop next to him. At the wheel was Sherlock Holmes. Other sirens could be heard in the distance.
“John hop in will you?”

“Sherlock…this is ..this is…”
“John…hop in.”
“No!”

Sherlock sighed and sped off, as 5 more police cars raced after him. An umarked car skidded up soon afterward. Lestrade leapt out of it.

“Watson! What the hell is Holmes doing! He walked up to a crime scene, and just stole a car!”

“That I gathered,” Watson said. “As you can see I’m just walking back from the grocer.” He held up the bag.

“Any idea where he’s going?” Lestrade asked.

“No clue…” Watson said.

Lestrade grumbled and got back in his car.

Sherlock meanwhile rounded a corner and gunned the engine. The police car sped towards the wooden gates of a nearby warehouse and crashed through it. The police car came to rest inside. The workmen started scattering as Holmes emerged and began searching the contents of the boxes. The police soon flooded in. Lestrade not far behind them.

“So….” the Detective Inspector said.

“I needed to catch them by surprise…and this!” Holmes said holding up a package of blue liquid. “This is what they were hiding. This is what makes it all come together.”
“You stole a police car for this! We could have gotten a…”
“Would have taken too long, they would have been warned by their lookouts. Instead…” Sherlock said. Lestrade shook his head.

20. I’m not allowed to order uranium over the internet using Scotland Yard’s expense account.

Watson awoke to the door being busted down and the radiation suit clad people rushing in, there were a handful.

“Why…”

The men started ruining geiger counters over him.

“He’s clean,” one said.

“Would you come with us,” another said.

The group led him out while they started ransacking the apartment. Police cars lined the street and Lestrade leaned against a car.

“What’s this all about?” Watson asked.

“I take it Sherlock isn’t here?”
“No he went out…”
“I was checking my budget numbers from the last few cases, turns out someone…purchased…Uranium……”

“Uranium…”
“Uranium…as in radioactive, nuclear bomb producing Uranium…”

“I guess it wasn’t hard to deduce who did,” Watson said.

Lestrade just shook his head.

The men emerged soon afterward.

“It’s not in there,” they said.

“So Sherlock must have it then…” Watson surmised.

They noticed at this point that Mycroft had emerged from a black sedan and was approaching them.

“I take it you all just discovered the Uranium…” he said with an expression nearing a grin.

“You know about it?” Lestrade said.

“Fortunately…we intercepted the shipment before it arrived,” Mycroft said. “Sherlock will be quite disappointed when he goes to pick it up.”

“You seem to be enjoying this,” Lestrade said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Mycroft said with a smile and returned to his car.

21. I’m not allowed to break the internet.

“John! Look at this!” Sherlock said.

Watson wandered over to the computer Sherlock was typing into.

“What is it?” Watson asked.

Sherlock pressed two keys.

The computer exploded.

“How did you!” Watson asked…
“I didn’t…plan that…” Sherlock said.

“What were you planning to do?”
“I have set up a program that will identify and eliminate all forms of email spam using a complicated formula of tracking. I implemented it just now.”
“All forms…you mean to our email?”
“All email.”

“Every email!” Watson asked.

“Yes.”
“And the computer exploded….”
“Apparently.”
Sirens were soon growing throughout the city.

“Is it possible we’re not the only ones who just had their computer explode?” John asked.

“I would imagine the chances of that are quite high…good night John,” Sherlock said.

22. I’m not allowed to use the suspects in the holding cells for psychological experiments.




Sherlock kicked the cell door open and through the bucket of water at the surprised prisoner. He then followed holding a tazer in his hand.

“I will not taze you no matter what!” Sherlock said.

“But why then do you…” the prisoner began.

“I will not taze you no matter what!” Sherlock said.

“But…”

“Answer my questions!”

“O..k…” the prisoner said.

23. I’m not allowed to offer Lestrade’s virtue to someone in exchange for information.

Addendum I Especially not on the internet.

Addendum II Especially not using the words “virgin sacrifice”.

Sherlock typed furiously into his rebuilt computer. The email he was writing had gotten quite long.

“Needless to say,” Sherlock said reciting what he was typing. “He is strong, likely will perform admirably in whatever activities you wish him too…unlikely to be very kinky…that can be arranged from other candidates…I believe he will agree to this when made aware of the stakes involved. Best to keep it discrete as he is a high level police official. Let me know if still interested.”

He hit send.

24. I’m not allowed to sleep in the morgue.

The janitor stared at the breathing corpse on the slab in the morgue.

“Sir?” he asked.

Nothing happened.

“Sir?” he asked again.

Sherlock rose and looked at him.

“I’m dead…leave me alone.”
“Sir…you can’t sleep here, are you in need of money…shelter…” the janitor said.

“Always, but that’s not why I’m here,” Sherlock said. “Sometimes to understand the dead you must get ridiculously close…”

“Uh…yes sir, but…”
“I assure you if you just let me be, all will be sorted out in the morning.”
“But I need to clean sir.”

“Clean around me…”

With that Sherlock went back to sleep.

25. I’m not allowed to use this list as proof that I’m allowed to do something.

    [Self Explanatory.]
    
    
    

Lego Adam Lambert by MrAidanLambert wow.

Long story…..

An Awesome Piece of Adam Lambert fan art by tfoa6maru

GLAMBERTS go check out this piece.

I’m not an artist, but I link to things and look at what tfoa6maru did with Adam! This is amazing!!!!!

In addition to the random stuff I post, if you write fanfic, post fan art, or make fan vids of Adam Lambert, Merlin, or Sherlock, let me know. I am always looking for more sources of fan stuff to book mark!

I’ll try to be a little more wordy but right now this is all I can think to post.

Suit Up!: HOLY BALLS YOU GUYS, DROP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING AND GO WATCH JEKYLL.

I am intrigued…

tedmosby-architect:

IT’S A BBC MINISERIES FROM… 2007, WRITTEN BY STEVEN MOFFAT, AND IT IS THE MOST FUCKED UP, BRILLIANT PIECE OF TELEVISION I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

Boyfriend has been trying to get me to watch it for months and I’ve been like, “Ah, yeah, I’m sure I’ll like it, but I don’t have six hours to…